On Buckets

I was talking to Krebscout the other night about relationships. I told her that I really want someone. Krebscout responded that she didn’t really understand that line of thinking:

“[I just don’t understand the idea of wanting] someone, as opposed to wanting a specific someone. To me, that means wanting someone for the wrong reasons. Wanting someone to fill a void or for action or something. I don't like the idea of seeking a boyfriend. I like the idea of going through life making friends until I fall in love with one of them, and then seeking that person, because of the qualities they have.”

I agreed, but I’m not just looking for “action.” It’s something apart from that. I want someone I can love. I want someone I can be with, someone to walk along the path of life with me. I want to be able to give the best of myself wholeheartedly and know that she’ll be happier for it.

It’s like I’ve been carrying around a heavy bucket of love for a year and a half. It’s filled with something wonderful, but I need to share it. Carrying it alone, it’s too much. It weighs on me. I feel it. I need relief. Man and woman are meant to be together, and I’m alone.

I’m trying, though. I’m trying to find my someone. In the past three months, I’ve tried to share that bucket with two different girls. One of them discovered that she’s holding on to another bucket much more tightly than she’d thought, and one of them is wary of bucket-sharing after being hurt by another shared bucket not too long ago. I’ve considered others: one girl has sworn off buckets for the present time, another would have to have very long arms to be able to share my bucket when she goes to Europe this summer, even if she were willing. If I’ve already found my someone, she’s doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact.

I’m not asking for a pity party here. Anyone who knows me in person knows that I’m a happy person. I shocked Lavish to the core the other day when I intimated that I wasn’t having the greatest of days. That’s a rare occurrence. Generally, I’m bounce-off-the-walls happy and optimistic beyond all reason. I’m happy with the way my life’s going. (How could I not be? I write for the Board, I have billions-plus-or-minus-a-few friends, I just got a new job, I’ll see my brother for the first time in four years two months from now, I may win a trip to Korea this summer, and spring is here with its attendant Frisbees and barbecues.)

I just want to share my bucket.