When you lose something you can't replace

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

-Coldplay, Fix You

I have to do something very hard today. I have to let go.

Almost exactly two years ago, I met Elizabeth in a Biology class. We became friends, she invited me to the Heritage Halls invitational dance, and before long, we were dating. She made me laugh and never let me stop smiling. She made dinner so we could have picnics out on the grass. We did homework together, watched movies together, played together, talked together, and just had a wonderful time. She really did make me feel loved.

Elizabeth was my first serious girlfriend. We'd only been dating about six weeks when school ended. We were both leaving Utah for the summer, and as much as I cared about her and enjoyed being around her, I really wasn't sure I was ready to commit to not dating anyone else all summer long. Maybe it was just a fear of commitment, or maybe it was an issue in our relationship. I don't really know; I just know that I felt I needed to call things off.

It only took a couple weeks for me to realize that I missed her more than I could have imagined. I wrote her an e-mail at least once a week, and tried to let her know just how much I missed her. She really did have my heart; a number of perfectly wonderful girls in my singles ward that summer will testify of it. I just couldn't let go of her.

When school started up again, I did everything I could to get another chance with her. She'd been hurt by the way things ended, and had her reasons not to trust me. After months of trying, I finally got a single date out of it. It went better than I could have possibly hoped... or so I thought. Apparently she felt uncomfortable. We kept in touch, and remained friends to some extent, but there was always a distance between us. It was hard, because I really did care about her.

I tried to move on, tried to focus on meeting new people. I went on lots of dates and tried to move on. I actually seriously dated two Board Writers before the end of last school year: Krebscout and Lavish. (You'll note that both are now married.) Every time things didn't work out, though, I kept coming back to Elizabeth. She was reluctant to trust me with her feelings, but I just couldn't give up. I couldn't let go when there was still a chance. I felt like my life was orbiting hers like the Earth orbits the Sun; even when we're not close, her pull is still there. I still feel that way, to be honest.

She left the country on a study abroad last summer, and my work situation was such that I had a lot of time to talk online. Rumor has it that my online flirting skills have vastly improved in the past few years, and I certainly had time to practice. By the time the summer was over, Elizabeth seemed very willing to give me another chance.

But there was a problem; I'd actually been flirting with two overseas girls over the summer, not expecting either one to go nearly as well as it did. The other returned home a few weeks before Elizabeth did, and things progressed so surprisingly quickly that by the time Elizabeth was back in town, I was no longer available.

I'll spare everyone the details here; most of my friends already know the details, and I see no reason to overwrite everything. Suffice it to say that over the next few months, it seemed that the only thing keeping Elizabeth and I apart was timing. When she wanted to date me, I was dating someone else. When I was available, she was tired of waiting around for me and had moved on. Just days after I started dating someone again, she showed up having changed her mind. It just went on and on, wreaking havoc in all my other relationships, and just making things difficult for everyone involved. I felt like we were on an emotional see-saw; whenever one end went up, the other end went down. We never met halfway.

Over Christmas break, I decided that I needed to work things out once and for all. I decided to hold off on dating anyone else, to give the timing a chance to work out such that we could give it a chance. If things weren't going to work out between us, I wanted it to be over something more than timing. I needed to know if something could really happen between us.

Life would be so much easier if I wrote the script for everyone. Just when I'd decided to be patient with her, to give things time to work out, she started dating another guy. That wasn't in the plan. Not at all. I grappled with my options, and in the end decided that I still needed to know. If I gave up and things didn't work out with this new guy, I'd be back in the same boat I've been sailing for 18 months. I had to give it a chance.

Things didn't go very well, to be honest. She started cutting me off, avoiding me whenever she could. Whereas before we'd talked fairly often online, I haven't heard an online word from her in two months now. Our occasional on-campus crossings became less and less friendly exchanges and more and more obligatory hellos. The smile she used to have when we saw each other disappeared. Just a few days ago, I got a scowl and not much more. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Through it all, I've considered her my friend, and if I'd continued hoping to have a chance to date her, I was very careful to not be stalkery or intrusive. I tried to make it very clear that if she wanted me to go away, all she need do was tell me so. I might have been hurt, but the hurt of rejection fades quickly. The hurt of lost friendship lasts much longer. I never heard a word from her. I might have been pursuing a brick wall for all the response I got from her. And that hurt. It made me feel like she didn't consider me a friend. Or worse, that she didn't feel like I deserved her friendship. It's been hurting for weeks now, and it's not getting any better.

And that brings me to today. Today I found out that yesterday she got engaged. I'm happy for her, or at least, I'm really trying to be. I miss her; there's no question about that. But more than the lost dating possibilities, the real pain I feel today is the pain of a lost friendship. I never got to tell her goodbye. I never got to tell her that I'm willing to let go of her if she's really happy in this relationship. I never got to hear about her excitement over it, or to let go gracefully. I get no resolution. I was just cut off. And that hurts.

But I have to let go. I've never been very good at letting go, and this is going to be far harder for me than it ever has before. But I have to do it.

Elizabeth, if you ever read this... I truly do wish you the best. I want you to be happy, and since this is what you've chosen, I'll fade away. I wish you the greatest of happiness, and the best of all your dreams. I know everyone who reads this will only see the facts, and won't be able to understand the depth of emotion I'm dealing with here. By the books, it should be easy to let go of you, but it's not. It's not. I'll do it, though. If you ever find the desire to talk to an old friend, to smile over old times, I'll be here. You know how to contact me. But I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of you forever.