When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

I have a history of liking girls who don't return the favor. I'm sure that most of you have had that experience, but let me be clear. I'm not saying "Whenever I liked a girl, she didn't like me back." I'm saying "Always I liked a girl who didn't like me back." I mean it. I'm not the type to say "Oh, I'm not really interested in anyone right now." I'm always interested, and they historically haven't reciprocated. This started when I was 8 and lasted until about a year ago, with only two brief exceptions, so some simple math leads to the conclusion that for 14 years I grew up with constant emotional tension.

I learned to deal with it well, though. I wasn't an angsty, overwrought, emotionally-unstable teenager. I learned to smile at the tension, to laugh at the tragedies, and though I probably created a couple of awkward moments on my more poignant days, I think that overall I was (and am) very pleasant to be around. Though my relationships weren't always what I wanted them to be, I always had hope for better days, and hoping, despaired not. I excelled in my musical and academic pursuits, and I didn't have a sense of low self-worth. I just grew accustomed to the drama and learned to get on with things.

I didn't realize, though, that I had grown dependent on it. Relationship drama usually brings with it an acute emotional response. Excitement, longing, rejection, disappointment, hope, and anticipation all run wild in such situations, and I grew to feed off of these emotions. The excitement and energy I had often pulled from this fount, while the longing and disappointment led me to value my loved ones even more. Odd as it seems, this constant emotional tension served as a sort of anchor for me. It was a steady, sure part of my life. It also served as a barometer to my inter-personal feelings. I knew I still cared about someone so long as these emotions existed, and thus knew I had something to fight for.

Sometime in the last couple years, I figured a few things out socially. I no longer pine for the unattainable. I no longer hope and wish and pray after something, just to have it taken away despite my best efforts. My hopes and desires are acheivable. Things have been going well, and now I'm dating a girl that I really care about. We're so similar that it's uncanny. We get along excellently, and though no relationship is without a bump or two, the gates are open and the road is clear.

I'm lost, though. I don't have my anchor. The emotional tension I grew to expect is gone. I feel a bit like Joseph Smith when he said "I should feel a bit like a fish out of water, if I were out of persecutions." I'm not sure which way is up anymore. I've found myself reluctant to move on, searching for anything to recreate those acute emotions I've grown to expect. I've got what I always hoped for, and now that I'm here, I don't know where to go. My anchor is lost and my barometer is broken.

My impossible dream has been attainable after all, and now I have no stars to follow, no hell to march into for a heavenly cause. I'm just not sure where I'm going anymore.