Daydreams

In EXSC 125 (Flexibility), we spend the last 10-15 minutes of class taking a nap, known as "relaxing." As I lay there, I began to slip into that semi-lucid state where I'll still respond to external stimuli, but I'm also partly dreaming. Just as I was about to slip into sleep, I had such an odd daydream that it woke me straight up.

I was driving south on I-15 past Thanksgiving point when I looked to my right and saw a shopping cart merging on to the freeway. A shopping cart with flashing sirens and a police decal on the side.

Weird.  So weird.

When you lose something you can't replace

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

-Coldplay, Fix You

I have to do something very hard today. I have to let go.

Almost exactly two years ago, I met Elizabeth in a Biology class. We became friends, she invited me to the Heritage Halls invitational dance, and before long, we were dating. She made me laugh and never let me stop smiling. She made dinner so we could have picnics out on the grass. We did homework together, watched movies together, played together, talked together, and just had a wonderful time. She really did make me feel loved.

Elizabeth was my first serious girlfriend. We'd only been dating about six weeks when school ended. We were both leaving Utah for the summer, and as much as I cared about her and enjoyed being around her, I really wasn't sure I was ready to commit to not dating anyone else all summer long. Maybe it was just a fear of commitment, or maybe it was an issue in our relationship. I don't really know; I just know that I felt I needed to call things off.

It only took a couple weeks for me to realize that I missed her more than I could have imagined. I wrote her an e-mail at least once a week, and tried to let her know just how much I missed her. She really did have my heart; a number of perfectly wonderful girls in my singles ward that summer will testify of it. I just couldn't let go of her.

When school started up again, I did everything I could to get another chance with her. She'd been hurt by the way things ended, and had her reasons not to trust me. After months of trying, I finally got a single date out of it. It went better than I could have possibly hoped... or so I thought. Apparently she felt uncomfortable. We kept in touch, and remained friends to some extent, but there was always a distance between us. It was hard, because I really did care about her.

I tried to move on, tried to focus on meeting new people. I went on lots of dates and tried to move on. I actually seriously dated two Board Writers before the end of last school year: Krebscout and Lavish. (You'll note that both are now married.) Every time things didn't work out, though, I kept coming back to Elizabeth. She was reluctant to trust me with her feelings, but I just couldn't give up. I couldn't let go when there was still a chance. I felt like my life was orbiting hers like the Earth orbits the Sun; even when we're not close, her pull is still there. I still feel that way, to be honest.

She left the country on a study abroad last summer, and my work situation was such that I had a lot of time to talk online. Rumor has it that my online flirting skills have vastly improved in the past few years, and I certainly had time to practice. By the time the summer was over, Elizabeth seemed very willing to give me another chance.

But there was a problem; I'd actually been flirting with two overseas girls over the summer, not expecting either one to go nearly as well as it did. The other returned home a few weeks before Elizabeth did, and things progressed so surprisingly quickly that by the time Elizabeth was back in town, I was no longer available.

I'll spare everyone the details here; most of my friends already know the details, and I see no reason to overwrite everything. Suffice it to say that over the next few months, it seemed that the only thing keeping Elizabeth and I apart was timing. When she wanted to date me, I was dating someone else. When I was available, she was tired of waiting around for me and had moved on. Just days after I started dating someone again, she showed up having changed her mind. It just went on and on, wreaking havoc in all my other relationships, and just making things difficult for everyone involved. I felt like we were on an emotional see-saw; whenever one end went up, the other end went down. We never met halfway.

Over Christmas break, I decided that I needed to work things out once and for all. I decided to hold off on dating anyone else, to give the timing a chance to work out such that we could give it a chance. If things weren't going to work out between us, I wanted it to be over something more than timing. I needed to know if something could really happen between us.

Life would be so much easier if I wrote the script for everyone. Just when I'd decided to be patient with her, to give things time to work out, she started dating another guy. That wasn't in the plan. Not at all. I grappled with my options, and in the end decided that I still needed to know. If I gave up and things didn't work out with this new guy, I'd be back in the same boat I've been sailing for 18 months. I had to give it a chance.

Things didn't go very well, to be honest. She started cutting me off, avoiding me whenever she could. Whereas before we'd talked fairly often online, I haven't heard an online word from her in two months now. Our occasional on-campus crossings became less and less friendly exchanges and more and more obligatory hellos. The smile she used to have when we saw each other disappeared. Just a few days ago, I got a scowl and not much more. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Through it all, I've considered her my friend, and if I'd continued hoping to have a chance to date her, I was very careful to not be stalkery or intrusive. I tried to make it very clear that if she wanted me to go away, all she need do was tell me so. I might have been hurt, but the hurt of rejection fades quickly. The hurt of lost friendship lasts much longer. I never heard a word from her. I might have been pursuing a brick wall for all the response I got from her. And that hurt. It made me feel like she didn't consider me a friend. Or worse, that she didn't feel like I deserved her friendship. It's been hurting for weeks now, and it's not getting any better.

And that brings me to today. Today I found out that yesterday she got engaged. I'm happy for her, or at least, I'm really trying to be. I miss her; there's no question about that. But more than the lost dating possibilities, the real pain I feel today is the pain of a lost friendship. I never got to tell her goodbye. I never got to tell her that I'm willing to let go of her if she's really happy in this relationship. I never got to hear about her excitement over it, or to let go gracefully. I get no resolution. I was just cut off. And that hurts.

But I have to let go. I've never been very good at letting go, and this is going to be far harder for me than it ever has before. But I have to do it.

Elizabeth, if you ever read this... I truly do wish you the best. I want you to be happy, and since this is what you've chosen, I'll fade away. I wish you the greatest of happiness, and the best of all your dreams. I know everyone who reads this will only see the facts, and won't be able to understand the depth of emotion I'm dealing with here. By the books, it should be easy to let go of you, but it's not. It's not. I'll do it, though. If you ever find the desire to talk to an old friend, to smile over old times, I'll be here. You know how to contact me. But I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of you forever.

Fresh Aire

I came home from school today and pulled out my Fresh Aire piano music and played through the entire book. Those of you unfamiliar with the Fresh Aire series might recognize composer Chip Davis's band: Mannheim Steamroller. Davis was one of the pioneers of the neo-classical New Age sound, combining jazz chords, punk rhythms, and modern electronic instrumentation with classical structure and professionalism. Fresh Aire was one of those contemporary collections of music I grew up playing, and playing it now always takes me back. I feel refreshed.

Oh, and for those of you who are wondering about my previous posts:

• I didn't get the job at Microsoft. It was a fun vacation, and I really enjoyed the area, but the position just didn't seem like a good fit for me. I'm interested in Software Development, and they wanted me in testing. Oh well.
  
• The Guitar Hero tournament was kinda lame. Most of the people there were excellent players, and those running the show had the first round run on "Medium" difficulty. Given the group that showed up, it was a bit like asking a bunch of Math graduate students to do 7th grade Algebra. As a result, the first round was less about skill and more about being lucky and not making a mistake in the middle of a streak. [shrug] Such is life. I'm not too torn up about it.
  

Real Programmers

XKCD rules.

All you non-nerd types can just ignore this one.

Reminder: Guitar Hero

Just a reminder that today's the Guitar Hero competition.  If you're hoping to have a chance at figuring out the secret identity of one of the Board Writers (or if you already know who I am and just want to come because it's fun,) be at the Wilk Terrace at 7:00 tonight.

I'll try to be sufficiently guitar-heroic, just in case anyone shows up late.

Seattle, part 1

I'm currently in Bellevue, WA, a suburb of Seattle.  Tomorrow I'll be interviewing with Microsoft for a summer internship.  I've wanted to do an internship with a major software company for a few years now, so I'm excited.  And let me tell you what, they're treating me well.  They flew me up here, they've provided a rental car, (a Chevy Malibu, if you're curious,) they're paying for my rather spacious hotel room, they're paying for all my meals, and they're letting me stay an extra day to get to know the area.  I haven't even gotten to the free drinks yet, and I'm already feeling like a million bucks.  The girl down in the hotel gift shop even opened up after hours just to let me buy some toothpaste after the TSA so graciously confiscated mine.  (Granted, that wasn't really Microsoft's doing, but I'm still feeling great.)

Speaking of the TSA, I've made a discovery today.  All of my jeans have been mysteriously developing holes in the right knee, so my parents bought me a couple pairs of jeans not too long ago.  Sometime in the last couple years they've started sewing RFID tags right into the clothing, and on my jeans they're inside the right leg seam.  The tag is flexible enough that after putting the pants through the wash, I didn't even notice it for a few days.  I cut one of these tags off the other day, but apparently that was on another set of jeans.  So today when I went through the metal detector in the SLC airport, I was setting off the metal detector despite my empty pockets, shoeless feet, beltless waist, and watchless wrist.  I even had some metal fillings replaced with porcelain ones today.  I was as metal-free as I know how to be.

Blasted jeans.

Guitar Heroism

BYU's Student Activities Board is hosting a Guitar Hero competition on January 23, 7:00 PM in the Wilk Terrace.  It's free.

I'm participating.  You should all come.

It'll be fun.  And really, I might have a decent shot at it.  I'm certainly not the most heroic guitarist at BYU, but I might be among the top that enter the competition.  Either way, it will be fun.  So you're all welcome to come, even if you won't actually know which one I am.  I'll appreciate it anyway.

Lavish's Wedding Reception

I went to Lavish's wedding reception tonight.  I haven't seen her much since she got engaged, so it was fun to be there.  A few thoughts:

Lavish and I dated for a number of months, so it was an odd feeling being at her wedding reception.  As her dad said "this could have been you, you know."  And though it sounds a litltle awkward in that context, it's true.  At one point, I thought things might end up that way.  But they didn't, and I think her Mitch is so much better for her than I could ever have been.  I'm really happy for both of them, and it was genuinely just good to be there and see her at such a happy time.  

They had a live band at the reception to provide the music.  It's odd; in at least half of wedding receptions I've attended, I provided the music.  The other half have generally either had some other live pianist or used CDs, so I'm not used to having a live band there.  That was kinda cool, I guess, though I still think I want a live pianist at mine.

I stuck around for a while, and just before I had to leave they had the "Daddy-daughter" dance in which Lavish danced with her dad.  I'm not sure how, but even though it seems to be the standard thing to do at a wedding reception in the movies, somehow I've never seen it done in real life.  It was touching; her dad started crying about halfway through.  I think I gained a little insight into the feelings of a father for his daughter in that moment.  Something about the way he held her just spoke to me.  I guess I hope to have a daughter someday that I love so much that it hurts to let her go like that.

Anyway, Lavish, congratulations.  You're the most blestest one of all, today.  Thanks for everything.

All better

For those of you intensely following my recent insanity, (all 1 of you,) I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better.  No more depressed or frustrated or confused.  I still don't know everything that's going on, but a talk with my parents helped out a ton.  It's funny how people who have actually managed to get married occasionally know something about dating.

Of course, I've decided to throw rationality out the window for now, but at least I'm not continually feeling like I've stabbed in the heart.  I think a little irrationality is a minimal price to pay for that.

Confused, an update

Okay.  Just disappointed and frustrated.  Not angry or anything like that.  But disappointed and frustrated to a rather large degree.

Confusion

Something happened tonight. I can't decide whether to be hurt, indifferent, congratulatory, offended, displeased, annoyed, or just not worry about it. I may have more thoughts tomorrow. In the meantime, I don't want to make a fool of myself by posting something that may not reflect how I feel later.

I found it quite appropriate, though, that when I sat down to my computer, my iTunes was on Vivir Sin Aire, by the Mexican band Maná.

Como quisiera poder vivir sin aire
Como quisiera poder vivir sin agua
Me encantaría quererte un poco menos
Como quisiera poder vivir sin ti
Pero no puedo, siento que muero
Me estoy ahogando sin tu amor
Como quisiera poder vivir sin aire
Como quisiera calmar mi aflicción
Como quisiera poder vivir sin agua
Me encantaría robar tu corazón
Como pudiera un pez nadar sin agua
Como pudiera un ave volar sin alas
Como pudiera la flor crecer sin tierra
Como quisiera poder vivir sin ti
Pero no puedo, siento que muero
Me estoy ahogando sin tu amor
Como quisiera poder vivir sin aire
Como quisiera calmar mi aflicción
Como quisiera poder vivir sin agua
Me encantaría robar tu corazón
Como quisiera lanzarte al olvido
Como quisiera guardarte en un cajón
Como quisiera borrarte de un soplido
Me encantaría matar esta canción

Sorry for all those of you who don't speak Spanish, but that's how I'm feeling right now.

Game of the Week: Picross 2

This week's online game:

Picross 2

This very addictive online game features Sudoku-like logic as you form pixelated pictures from a series of numbers.  Be warned, you may not be able to stop.  I've already created 7 addicts in the last week.  I figured I might as well share with the rest of you.

Enjoy!

Note: I probably won't actually post a game every week, notwithstanding this post's title.

Hugs

I've got a question for you female readers out there.  I've been told by a few different girls that I give good hugs.  I have no idea what this actually means.

Any insight, ladies?

Winter comes again

Those of you who know me are probably wondering at my tardiness here, so allow me to repent.

It's snowing!!!!

This makes me very, very happy.

Oh, and because I know you were all wondering, snowmobiling in 4 feet of powder is marvelous.

The Time Machine: A Tale of Woe and Rejoicing

Friday night as I was using my laptop, (an Apple MacBook running OS X 10.5, thank you very much,) the hard drive died on me. This was rather unfortunate as I was hoping to use it in my preparations for finals week. I took it in to the Apple store down at the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake City, figuring that if any place would have a replacement hard drive for me, they would.

Unfortunately, while my laptop is still under warranty and the replacement could take place free of charge, the shop didn't have any hard drives of the correct variety in stock. So on Saturday night I traded my laptop for a piece of paper and came back home lamenting my loss. (Well, really, I drove four blocks to the Church Office Building parking lot in 45 minutes, got there too late to get our actual seats, watched the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert with Dragon Lady from one of the side rooms used by the ushers, got free pink lemonade out of it, sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes before we moved on our way out, and THEN came back home lamenting my loss. But that's another story.)

In the meantime, I've been using a Windows desktop machine that I picked up early this year in exchange for some help to my cousins. When I got the computer, though, I only got the actual computer. No monitor, no keyboard, no mouse. I had an external monitor which I planned on using, but I still needed the keyboard and mouse. So I made the wise decision to purchase the cheapest keyboard/mouse combo I could find. I didn't realize just how low-quality the keyboard is until I was forced to use it exclusively; both Dragon Lady and Katya can testify that I was having extreme difficulties typing earlier today. (I'm typing this blog post using the cheap keyboard; I was actually hoping that it would start dropping letters so you could see what I'm talking about, but alas, it seems to be working better at the moment. I briefly considered retyping the entire blog post in hopes that it would start acting up, but my wiser half has informed me that this would be a terrible use of time with a 7:00 AM final pending tomorrow morning.)

The Apple technician told me that the hard drive would probably take 3 days to arrive. He told me this at about 6:30 PM on Saturday night, and I was left wondering exactly what three days meant. Saturday to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday? Was it too late to count Saturday, so we'd go Sunday to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? Did Sunday not count in such calculations, meaning that the order would go through on Monday and I'd receive it three days later on Thursday? As I had a presentation on Wednesday for which I strongly wanted my laptop, things weren't looking too good for me.

Happily, though, at 3:30 PM today I received a call informing me that my new hard drive had been installed and was ready to go. I called my dad who works up in Salt Lake and asked if he'd pick it up on his way home. He kindly obliged, and after an exchange in an Orem 7-11 parking lot earlier tonight, my laptop is back in my hands. (For those who I know will appreciate this, when I walked into my apartment with my newly received laptop, I immediately held it high above my head with both hands and proudly sang the "You Opened a Treasure Box!" theme from Zelda.)

Of course, the problem with having your hard drive replaced is that your data tends to depart with the old one. And this is the part where I bless Apple's name to my dying breath. With this latest version of OS X, (called Leopard,) Apple included an automated backup solution called Time Machine. When I plugged in my external hard drive, (thanks to Dragon Lady and her brother for picking it up for me,) I was asked if I'd like to use that drive for my backups. I said Yes, and after that point, the only thing I've had to do was make sure to connect my external hard drive when I've been at home. When I received my laptop back today, I simply booted from the OS X installation disk and selected "Restore System from Backup" from the drop-down menu. Leopard found the backup drive, listed the date and time of each of my backups, and is now copying all the files back to my computer.

You'll note that I said nothing about deciding which files to back up or deciding at what time the backup should run, or making sure that I was connected when that time came around, or being unable to use my computer during that backup time. That's because none of these applied to me in the least. (Okay, you can tell it not to back up certain directories, but the default is to back up all the non-volatile data on your hard drive, so it's not a concern.) I simply plugged it in, said "Yes", and now my data is all being restored exactly as I left it.

Bless you, Apple. And your little dog, too.

Dreams

Most of my dreams either go unremembered or are so off-the-wall illogical that they don't bear remembering. Occasionally, though, I have one that seems to actually have some significance in my life.

My parents had been (in my dream) hosting a foreign exchange student from China. She was roughly my age, and apparently we got along pretty well. I don't really remember that part of the dream very well, but somehow, she and I decided to get married. This, of course, necessitated that her entire family fly over for the wedding. So we were waiting to get married,(in some non-temple-like gathering room with stadium seating,) but she was taking a long time to get dressed. A LONG time. Like, I was out there waiting for her for 45 minutes and she still wasn't ready.

So logically, my dad took my brothers and I to a nearby park to play while we waited for her to get dressed. And while we were out there, I suddenly realized that I really wasn't excited about marrying this girl. I mean, I knew that I liked her (in a cognizant sort of way... I didn't feel that I liked her, but I knew that I did,) but I didn't feel that I loved her. I've always been cautioned that marrying someone from a different culture is difficult; holiday traditions are different, expectations are different, and you generally just have to work a bit harder at things. And I wasn't sure that I was excited enough about this girl to put in that extra work. It probably didn't provide me any reassurance when I realized that I couldn't even remember her name.

At this point, I got a text message from her saying "Why are you not out there? Do you have special entering clothes as well?" (I assume referring to special clothing to be worn when entering the wedding chamber.) This just scared me even more... I wasn't ready for this! What about [insert real-life girl's name here]? Had I ever resolved my feelings about her? I couldn't remember! What about all the other girls in whom I'd been interested? What happened to all of them? Why did I choose to marry someone who I barely knew over one of them? Please let this all be a dream!

Since she'd text messaged me, we assumed that she was ready, and thus got in the car to head back. For some reason my dad was convinced that we needed to pick them up at the airport, so I had to remind him that no, they were all there waiting for us. He drove faster then, since the wedding chamber was even further away than the airport. My trepidation grew with every passing city block. I don't want to marry someone I didn't know! This is such a mistake! I wish this were a dream, but I'm afraid it's not!

Then I woke up. I can't tell you how relieved I was to find myself in my own bed, not getting married to the nameless Chinese exchange student.

Moral of the story: I have nothing against Chinese women, but please don't expect me to marry you when I can't even remember your name.

Cafe Rio

I just went to Cafe Rio by myself. It was sad.

But it still tasted so, so good.

Keep me away from all you love

If you have a favorite book, a treasured pet, an essential device, or some other thing that's important to you, I implore you not to bring it near me for the next couple days. I seem to be breaking everything I touch.

No, seriously.

Today, my brother and I rode TRAX from Sandy up to Salt Lake in order to attend my father's company Christmas Party (to which family members were invited.) We took the 7:00 train northward and arrived just in time. However, the very next train to follow depart northward on that track became derailed. Yes, the very next one. As a result, our filled-way-beyond-capacity south-bound 10:20 train was forced to stop early and unload all it's passengers onto buses, which carried them past the derailed train and on to the next stop, where we re-boarded TRAX and continued our journey. There are dozens of UTA workers who would be cursing my name right now, if only they knew.

"But there were hundreds of riders on TRAX," you say. "How can you possibly take all the blame yourself?"

Very well, allow me to present further evidence. Upon arriving home in Provo, (at a much delayed hour due to the previously related incident,) I pulled out my 6-month-old laptop and was talking to a friend online. When all my windows suddenly stopped responding, I assumed that a simple restart would fix everything. When I rebooted, I discovered that my laptop no longer has a hard drive. Let me be clear. This is not just a partitioning issue, a mounting issue, or a corrupt file on the drive. The entire hard drive apparently no longer exists. I started up from my boot disk and found that the only drive in my computer is the very DVD drive I was using to boot the computer in the first place. This, of course, explained why my computer stopped responding in the first place.

So really. I don't know what's going on, but you may not want to let me drive your car anytime soon.

Anyone for a game of Scraggle?

I've published previously about the Preposition Game and the License Plate Game.  Well, I've got another game for you lexiphiles.

The game is really pretty simple.  In standard conversation, simply switch your 'B's and your 'G's.  I'll admit that this isn't so much a game as a simple diversion, but it's still a lot of fun.  Words so mangled are usually still quite pronounceable.  A few examples:

• Let's play Scraggle!
• Let's play Gobble!
• I'm writing in my glob right now.
• My grother told me he's boing on his mission soon.
• My grother could geat up your grother!

You'll note that certain words, such as "going", have been incompletely mangled.  I've found that the game works better if you do the replacement according to pronunciation and not transcription.  Since I tend to pronounce "going" as "GO-een", putting the 'B' on the end tends to make it less intelligible than it was before.

Okay, folks, that's all for today.  Thanks for playing!

Winter Driving Tips

After my previous blog on Utah Drivers, I've been reminded that with Winter rapidly falling upon us, many people in Provo will be driving in snowy or icy conditions which they're not used to.  In the interest of a preventing a few accidents, I've decided to publish Yellow's Winter Driving Manifesto:

• Traction is your most important asset.  Always know how much traction you're getting.  Without traction, you have absolutely no control.  You can usually tell how much traction you're getting by tapping your gas pedal for just a moment.  If you don't jerk forward, you don't have as much traction.
• When driving in icy conditions, do everything you can to preserve your traction.  If you need to slow down, do so gradually so that your tires are still moving with the road.  As soon as your tires are sliding along the ice instead of rolling, you've lost your traction and your motion is suddenly ready for analysis by Physics 121 students who love frictionless surfaces.  This is why you need to allow a longer time for stopping; not because you need time to skid to a stop, but because you need time in order not to skid to a stop.
• If you're trying to get up an icy hill, putting the gas to the floor will not help.  You're only spinning your tires on the ice, making an even more polished spot of ice for your car to work with.  Do what you can to build up momentum, and then keep your tires moving with the road.
• When attempting to turn onto an uphill road, you may need to make a wider turn than normal to avoid getting stuck.  If there are tracks in the road from other cars, make it your goal to get there as soon as possible.

Good luck with finals, everyone!